Moving Abroad: A Cautionary Tale of Expat Life with a Partner

In late 2013, I embarked on what I believed would be an exciting, career-defining adventure. I was offered the chance to move to Bangkok for three months to temporarily fill in as the Finance Director for the Southeast Asia office of the NGO I worked for in Amsterdam. The offer was unexpected and thrilling—I'd never been to Thailand, and I'd never held a directorial position before. With the full support of my wife, I decided to seize this opportunity, and what was initially planned as a three-month stint quickly turned into something more.

The Honeymoon Period: A Double-Edged Sword

When I arrived in Bangkok, I was immediately swept up in the vibrancy of the city. The bustling streets, the incredible food, and the endless opportunities for socializing made me fall in love with the city. I was aware of the “honeymoon phase” that many expatriates experience when they first move abroad—the period when everything feels new and exciting before the reality of daily life sets in. But this felt different; I was genuinely thriving.

However, this honeymoon period can be deceptive. Psychologically, the initial euphoria of moving to a new place can create an unrealistic view of life in that environment. The rush of dopamine that comes with new experiences can cloud judgment, leading to impulsive decisions. This was the state of mind I was in when, after just two months, I was offered a permanent position. Without much thought, I presented this news to my wife during her visit to Bangkok, convinced that she would be as enthusiastic about relocating as I was.

The Emotional Toll on Relationships

My wife’s reaction to the idea of moving to Bangkok was extreme—so extreme, in fact, that she physically became ill when I told her. At the time, I brushed it off, attributing it to the heat and my own certainty that we would have an amazing life in Bangkok. I failed to fully comprehend the emotional toll this move was taking on her. In hindsight, this moment was a clear sign of the challenges that lay ahead.

Moving abroad with a partner or family member involves a complex interplay of emotions, expectations, and adjustments. One person may be thriving while the other struggles, leading to a significant imbalance in the relationship. When one partner is fully engaged in their new environment and career, while the other feels lost or disconnected, resentment can build. This is exactly what happened to us.

The Struggles of Adjustment

It took a full year for my wife to join me in Bangkok, and by the time she did, I was already deeply rooted in my new life there. Unfortunately, her experience was starkly different. Despite her best efforts, she was unable to find a job that matched her qualifications, eventually settling for an unpaid internship that turned out to be a dead end. This failure, though not her fault, frustrated me deeply. I expected her to quickly integrate into our new life, and when that didn’t happen, my frustration grew.

This frustration is a common theme in expatriate relationships. According to psychological studies on adjustment in expatriate life, the trailing spouse often faces significant challenges, including loss of career, identity, and social network. These challenges are exacerbated when the working partner is fully immersed in their new role and life, leaving little emotional bandwidth to support their partner.

Expectations vs. Reality

Another major issue that arose was my unrealistic expectations. Because I was working and my wife was not, I unconsciously expected her to take over household responsibilities. This created a power imbalance and a sense of dissatisfaction on both sides. She felt undervalued and unfulfilled, while I became increasingly resentful.

Setting clear, realistic expectations is crucial when moving abroad with a partner or family. It’s important to recognize that both individuals are facing their own set of challenges, and that these challenges require mutual support and understanding. Communication is key—without it, unspoken expectations can lead to frustration and resentment, as they did in our case.

The Aftermath: A Lesson in Retrospect

Eventually, I made the decision to leave my job in Bangkok and return to Amsterdam, primarily for my wife's sake. However, the damage had been done. I carried a deep sense of resentment home with me, and this resentment ultimately led to the dissolution of our marriage. We divorced in early 2016, just a few years after what I had hoped would be a life-changing adventure.

Tips for Moving Abroad with a Partner or Family

Reflecting on my experience, there are several lessons I would like to share for anyone considering a move abroad with a partner or family:

1. Communicate Openly and Often: Before making any decisions, have thorough and honest conversations about the move. Discuss your hopes, fears, and expectations. Make sure both parties feel heard and respected.

2. Prepare for Different Adjustment Curves: Understand that you and your partner may adjust to the new environment at different paces. Be patient and supportive as you both navigate these changes.

3. Set Realistic Expectations: Don’t assume that things will fall into place immediately. Discuss and agree on household responsibilities, financial expectations, and career goals in the new country.

4. Seek Support Networks: Moving abroad can be isolating, especially for the trailing partner. Seek out expatriate communities, support groups, or professional counseling to help both partners adjust.

5. Make Time for Each Other: In the midst of adjusting to a new environment and job, don’t neglect your relationship. Make time for activities you can enjoy together, and check in with each other regularly.

6. Be Ready to Compromise: Understand that moving abroad requires compromise from both partners. Be willing to adjust your plans if it becomes clear that the move isn’t working for one of you.

Final Thoughts

Moving abroad can be a rewarding experience, but it’s not without its challenges—especially when you're sharing the experience with a partner or family. While it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new opportunity, it’s crucial to keep sight of the emotional and psychological aspects that come with such a significant life change. Looking back, I wish I had been more mindful of these factors. My hope is that by sharing my story, others can avoid some of the mistakes I made and ensure that their move abroad strengthens, rather than strains, their relationships.